I know, they are supposed to be life exercises and there is supposed to be no escape once it starts. Fuck that and fuck all of you who used it to intentionally destroy my life when I was trying to stop and start a real life. Fuck those who made me the beast and pushed me to start blogging it. That is where it really started. You all pushed me too fucking far for too fucking long. I couldn’t just have my beliefs and a life. I had to fight and be fought down for it. You all disillusioned me.

I know, I’m stepping on your games again and I will probably face more repercussions for it. Fuck that too. How fucking clear do I have to make it, I quit, I don’t want to play anymore. I want to get away from it and really have a life without thinking about it or looking back. I don’t want to be pushed to blog again. I wasn’t pushed to do this but we have been discussing it this evening. I have to find a way to escape it and stop having it affect me for the rest of my life.

I know it is going on all over and I was a good candidate for it at the time but taking me out of a long term job, my retirement, and every fucking thing I had for so long has pissed me off and it needs to stop.

I do thank those of you who had good experiences with me, who taught me and shared with me, and who have helped me. I’m not saying my whole life has been bad or that all had bad intent. If those in North Carolina hadn’t pushed me to be the beast and let me know I was talking to real people I wouldn’t know all I do and I wouldn’t be here today saying all this. I would either be slaving away unhappy or dead probably. I’ve been all over the country, no where to run to, no where to hide. I have to make my own out.

I want truths, reality, peace, happiness, and to learn. How is that, is that possible? I know it is for life, I want to make the best of it and to not be in conflict. Is that possible after all I have been through and you have put me through? Must they be used as torture devices if we change and reform? I’m good at changing and adapting but this I haven’t been able to adapt to.

Sounds like you are a candidate for reading all the works of Satre.

I would like to know who the fuck gave them the right to take control of me, crank up the energies, drive me like a fucking hotrod, destroy my life and make a toy of me. This is America and my rights have been violated in every way imaginable. If I could sue for this shit I would to stop it. I could say I don’t care about the money, but I do. I worked hard for it and it is gone. The torment and torture went on for years and I couldn’t concentrate or focus on anything else the whole time. This is wrong no matter how you look at it. I’m back to sanity now and in a sane state I never would have done all that. What a waste of my life and theirs.

Consider facts like I never had anything against the Catholics, Christians, the government, or anyone else for that matter. I was just a normal person trying to live and develop my own life. Suddenly I found myself with induced insanity and since I was me I had to be that. I asked who was responsible and that was where I was aimed and caused to attack like a pit bull. I wasn’t in control of myself or what was going on. I never had the opportunity to make sane and rational decisions once it began. I was thrown in to this major spiritual warfare battle shit. Does anyone here want to try to tell me I’m not a victim from this shit again? If so, please explain to me how you figure that?

I was caused to make everything about my life public. I’m not going to exclude this shit because it has been the biggest part of my life, especially the past few years. Does that make me responsible and accountable? They wanted me to be quiet about it and make it look like it was all me doing this the whole time. Fuck that, it wasn’t. Are they not held accountable in any way? I know someone has records of all this shit and of my whole life.

Do you want to try to tell me I didn’t do the right thing for the good energies to develop? I didn’t know all this shit existed and was going on until I was caught up in it. That was in 2004, and I am 46 years old. I know, you like to keep it secret and creep up on unsuspecting fools. I’m no fool and I am tired of being clowned, shamed, and made a mockery of.

I believed in God but I didn’t give my life to Jesus and plant my seeds of faith and tithe in your collection plates and bank accounts so that makes me a beast, a bad man, a lesser being, not worthy of a good life and good energies. Is that what this is all about? I don’t know what I believe in anymore but I don’t believe in many of you. Charlatans, con artists, profiteers in it for the money, taking advantage of the general public and fixing them with psychology and cures for induced ailments. I guess I never developed a trade that allowed me to take advantage of others. Others just playing games with peoples lives like I played games. I played make believe and for fun, you play for real, that is the difference. I guess I do now too.

My career choices made me an electronics technician and I became a manager of video arcades. I fixed the equipment, hired and managed the employees, did the deposits and kept the books, ordered the supplies and merchandise needed, took care of what ever was necessary. I liked being in the entertainment field and dealing with people coming in to my stores to relax and have fun. I was very good at my job, accurate, kept a good clean store and kept my equipment up and working properly. That is what I was doing when I was made in to the beast. A real bad man eh? Twelve years of seniority, dedicated work, retirement savings, etc. down the toilet for your bullshit.

Alright, let’s say I still believe in God and if he is not real I live as if he were. I believe Jesus was a good prophet. He didn’t park it in a church, didn’t do it for a profit, didn’t wear fancy suits and act like he was better that everyone else. He did what he did for mankind. He wasn’t on tv selling books, tapes, and everything else imaginable. He didn’t build fancy churches. What was that he did and said to the money changers in a church? Maybe that is the way churches and religion have developed since he died, but is that his way or how he would really have you be? Think about it, some of you need to stop selling him and God and start acting more like him.

Do you wonder why I haven’t joined a faith or church? The bible was sort of forced on me and I went back to Genesis and the Garden of Eden, started from scratch and the beginning so to speak. I believe that to be more the way God intended mankind and life to be. The world a paradise, all living in peace and harmony and good intent and with good feelings and emotions. All having their piece of paradise and living right and answering to God for your mistakes and if you go astray. My sins and mistakes are between me and God and I don’t need a middle man, you or Jesus or anyone else. I don’t believe in your new covenant and that I need you to come between me and God. If I have sinned that is between me and him.

That has been the core of my beliefs my whole life and I kept it to myself. I believe that is why I have been through all this and my faith and beliefs have been fully tested to the limits of my endurance. While they have been defined, developed, expanded, etc. the core of my beliefs haven’t changed. One nation under God, in God we trust, etc. Isn’t that close enough to be acceptable? Isn’t that the way they did it before civilization and mass media developed, old testament style?

My sense of right and wrong are in my heart and soul, I don’t need your words to define or change it. I have the intelligence and mind to reason it out for myself along with my personal beliefs. I guess to believe like that some thought I must be a bad man, an enemy of church and state. Maybe I need corrected, fixed or changed, I don’t understand it, do you?

I was lead to believe the whole time that I was this great spiritual and biblical type hero and part of the greatest research and civilization ever developed, that I was doing good and making my mark on mankind. I can see that, and where many others are lead to believe that. I am also telling you that unless it involves a better life developing for me and more cash flow again I still feel I was victimized. I was that even if more money does find it’s way to me, a big chunk of my life was wasted doing that, proving and justifying myself to you which I don’t believe God would require of me. I know none of you want to see it from a perspective where you look bad. Neither did I but that didn’t stop you, now did it?

Yes, let’s think about cigarettes again. I might as well throw a pot of coffee on and fire one up, since i find myself a little wound up and energized anyway and going back to sleep seems to be out of the question. Who really cares if I have to work today and i still am not sure how much if any sleep I really require. I am sleeping away more of my life these days because I have more time than money and I am bored but don’t want to play the game and be tormented and tortured.

I am not against things like holidays, get togethers of families and friends, caring, sharing, having those magical feelings and dreams, etc. What I am not into is the commercialization of everything, packaging and selling it,etc. Especially things like God, he and his word should be sacred or something, freely given and shared. I’m not in to the whole marketing packages and rushing out to buy the latest junk you are releasing and pushing for the season, maybe even in limited supplies so you have to fight the crowds and hunt for them just to pay 10 times what they are worth. Your kids have to have it because it is advertised everywhere you look and all the other kids are getting it. I’m not in to the whole shopping frenzy thing, i give gifts that are practical and that people need or will enjoy and use.

Maybe I should take the time to write a book about mankind today and throughout history and all I see from my perspective. Above would be examples of what I would put in it. Would you buy it or would I be wasting my time?

My life quest was supposed to be for Heaven on Earth, truths, answers, etc. We are not there yet and I don’t know it all and I’m not dead yet so I guess it isn’t really over from that perspective. Maybe that is part of why I keep getting drawn back too. I guess I have more truths and wisdom to share with you. I know I am supposed to go away develop this great life,etc. but I am too broke and I am still recouperating from these past few years. It isn’t instantly happening and developing. I guess in reality these things take time. I have been faithful and my rewards should be great, right? I’m still waiting for the rewards besides truth and wisdom.

Have any of you seen the movie “Oh Brother, Where Art Thou”? It’s been kind of like that and I can relate to George Clooney in it. I am looking back and trying to unravel and understand it with my mind clear. Much of it still doesn’t make sense but on the other hand a whole lot of does and it’s real and really going on out there. “Man of Constant Sorrow” from it is only one of the many songs out there I can understand and relate to. How about Evanescence and “ Bring Me To Life”. They woke me up and did that I guess. Greenday, “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”. I could rattle off tons of them, part of my life, spiritualism, religion, and a trail of clues and knowledge. Jewel wrote a ton of them as have so many others.

Music has always been a form of power and magic, a way to cast your spells, weave a tale and magical feeling, a way to influence the masses. Now especially with mass media and all this going on. What kind of messages are you sending with it? Are you writing flowery little tunes with catchy phrases or are you putting real thought behind it and having a real world impact? Remember me discussing Rock Star Supernova for example? Many of us are being developed and used as weapons, I believe Dilana to be another. Remember “ Supersoul”? The other songs she did on the show I can relate to and correspond with what I was experiencing too.

I’m not trying to go back in that direction again. I’m just showing you that there are real wars going on out there even in America and people are dying every day. Tobacco is one of the weapons being used against the general population, even me. I’m to the point where I could quit, I do for long periods but I get drawn back in to something like this and find myself smoking again. I have to choose to quit and fight the urges. If I buy a pack I end up smoking them up if I don’t destroy or dispose of them. I do that to when I feel like quitting and getting away from this. I regroup and so do they. It isn’t something I am allowed to easily walk away from after all this. Does anyone believe my smoking is the real reason I keep coming back and doing this?

That was me in that spiritual, emotionally out of control visionary state or whatever. I am showing you why I believe much of mankind are still these aggressive, barbaric, bloodthirsty conquerors out to war, conquer, dominate, and rule others. I don’t see all as this advanced civilized society. Can you see that perspective? I know many are and they never really see this side. It has been the side I have been stuck in for years and I am finding a way to move back among the good and civilized people against all this. That’s the message i am trying to get across.

I am showing you what they are dealing with from me. If they get aggressive with me I tell them to go ahead and kill me if that is their intent. I’m not running anymore, not parting with my assets again, not being a spiritual or any other kind of warrior. I am just a man working towards my goals and towards my future and I can’t afford to do anything else here. I’m mostly just working and coming home and I am focused on staying in reality. I understand much about psychology and physics too and I study it and them in much that I see and experience. I don’t always respond the right way but I either understand or strive to understand their perspective and motivation. It has been a long time and I don’t give in to false hope or keeping trying to get that carrot they are dangling just out of my reach and have been all these years. The way I see it my life isn’t going to get any better unless I make it so and do the things necessary to get there.

No matter how many times they zap or shock me trying to get me to change or move in a different direction I keep coming back to this position and stand. It’s not that I don’t understand, either you don’t understand me or don’t care or have to do something every day or something. Maybe you are bored and need to feel entertained and you are stuck with me?

You have to understand too that I wasn’t just caught up in all of it. I was studying history, reality, physics, psychology, spirituality, magic, technology, etc. etc. etc. I was thrown in to roles and role playing and I was serious and real about it as I could be and doing my own experiments and studying every aspect of what I was going through and have been through. It has all been fascinating from that perspective but i wasn’t getting paid for it and don’t want to do any more volunteer or volunteered exercises against others.

i said, satre

tell me Arturo my B-Boy, what do you think about Cathy O’Brien?

Don’t know, have to check it out later (satre and Cathy). Out of cigarettes and time for work. The fact is I have smoked for 30 + years and some days I feel like quitting but many of the days home alone I just don’t give a fuck? They know I have my finances planned out and tied up for the next few months while I get my shit together and I guess it is easy to manipulate me back in to it. My work is stable, they like me and I like them, I enjoy what I am doing and I am learning even if it is lower pay than I am used to.

I predict when I get a relationship going and get it together I’ll quit for good and you won’t see me again. Work has been cool, home is still my torture chamber. it’s getting better, not as bad as it used to be. I think we both suffer from frequent boredom. I’ll be doing some interior remodeling in the winter and it will probably change then even if I don’t get in to a relationship.

I went there and checked out Cathy O’Brian, and I am just another who doesn’t hide it. I know they are expanding and advancing it and I believe with the current administration, 9/11, homeland security, the war on terror, drugs,etc. they are expanding it and stepping it up. It is also being used with the religious pushes and I guess I have been on the wrong side of that. Maybe they didn’t like me or the Catholics and wanted me against them and them against me or something. It is changing for me, Somebody heard me and is listening. I can’t go back into the religious aspects again or it will go downhill. They have a lot of power, money, and influence and maybe they are forcing these religious quests and shit to be a part of it and I am not the only one resenting it.

This is just one aspect of it all. I know there are criminals, terrorists, that have been targeted for a very long time. I see it as having been going on at least back to the 1950’s or early ’60’s with Viet Nam and the drugs, hippies, protesters, etc. Who really knows when they first developed the technology? When I hear about the increased suicide rate of military and ex military and see examples of them, flashbacks, etc. I see, know, and understand from experience. I don’t even want to delve in to other aspects of it I see.

Even now I am feeling a little more energized. I have learned to understand and interpret the energies and I know I have said some things some don’t like or don’t want revealed. I may be fucking with some other ops and everyone likes doing their own thing their own way.

Here is my last explanation of what happened to me. Anyone keeping up with religion knows how they are all talking about this being the end times and they have stepped up too. There is a beast hunt on.

I was exploring my heritage. Scottish berserker, Cherokee shaman, old testament combo. I was reaching to God in my own way for answers, was bitten by a black widow and didn’t seek treatment, and it took off from there. I wasn’t doing it to anyone or opposing anyone, just finding myself.

They found me, I was caused to start blogging and stepped into the role as their beast. I gave you your fucking beast,we gave you your fucking beast. I see myself more as one of the ones envisioned as sitting before the throne of God with many eyes, not THE BEAST.

I’m a servant of God and not your enemy unless you choose to make me that. They did, now it is over and I am just back to my own beliefs and not reaching for God or seeking visions. As far as I know, it ends now unless I screw up and start in to it again. They never want to see me go there with them again. That’s the way I interpret it. That is what it was all about.

I am going to leave this and my reason is not to oppose or spite any of you. I do so to clear my name, to exercise my rights to freedom of religion, freedom of speech, and the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I do so in honor of all being persecuted, having their lives destroyed, and dying because they don’t share your beliefs or refuse to convert because they are following their heritage and own beliefs.

I understand how this all works having studied history of a number of people and races. All are following their heritage and traditions. I understand many of you come from long lines of bloodthirsty savage conquerors. I understand also your bibles compel you to do so and so does all this.

I am here to promote an end to the witch hunts and destruction of other heritages and customs. Many of them have beliefs equally as good and convincing as yours. I know how competitive and aggressive it has been throughout history. If this all offends you it probably applies. Ones who’s beliefs conflicted with yours have been labeled false prophets and beasts throughout history and it has been your excuse and reason to stamp them out. I know the ones I am addressing have vast treasure troves and much technology and power as a result of all their people’s past conquests and it is still working, isn’t it? Where is all this really leading with mankind and the future?

America is a melting pot with many diverse cultures and peoples. I am not prejudice against any of them. I study them and learn from them. I appreciate the differences and I am respectful of them if they give me the same courtesy. Your wars are not mine, I feel I have matured and advanced beyond that.

Yes, I am getting your urges to delete and I understand them. If you can’t convert them, at least shut them up. I am even getting the feeling that I will get better energies if I do so. You can’t entice me out of my beliefs either. My eternal soul isn’t worth it, I won’t sell it out to the devils.

Do you really fear me that much? Are you afraid I might sway or convert some to my ways or actually help some others to live and get out of this? I understand your divide and conquer tactics too and to crush people’s spirits and cause them to submit. Do you fear they might set aside their differences and come together? It hasn’t worked all these years, what makes you think it will now? Oh no, that might lead to peace on Earth or Heaven on Earth or something.

O brother where art thou was a great take on Ulysses…

i think you will find that as you now listen to this really loud like fifty times you will never have another intrusion

if you do, just remember this

This whole system is geared to favor all of you wealthy, powerful, those knowing what is going on, coming from the right families, etc. For the rest of us, we might get a better life if we don’t develop any bad habits, stay in school and get college degrees, etc.

For ones like me considered inferior by your standards, wasting our lives, making the wrong choices, we are meant to fail cursed for life by all you so called superior motherfuckers. My choices in life plus what I choose to believe, the odds have been stacked against me my whole life.

This has all been designed to straighten me out, clean me up, get me looking at things from your perspective, and make me a slave to whoever is on the controls. I can’t even sit here on my day off and relax in peace and do what I want. I’ve always got someone trying to correct me and straighten me out. We are out of balance because I and my way of thinking are fucked up. You all can party, socialize, whatever but if I smoke a cigarette I am fucking up. What is wrong with this picture?

I’m supposed to live for better energies to develop and for a better life? I’m suddenly supposed to trust that the people on the controls are acting in my best interest and actually give a fuck about me or if I live or die? They ran me down and out of money and I am supposed to be in a position where they can crush my spirit and cause me to submit to whatever they want me to do? Fuck all that, I keep going and trusting in myself. I trust my self to keep working towards my goals and towards some kind of future after all this.

Now when I am getting to the point where I am thinking I am too old to have kids you show me all this and I am supposed to be thinking about getting into a relationship and starting a family or something? Or maybe I should marry a woman with kids who has had her life fucked up by this? Do I want a relationship where we are just pawns to be toyed with by you people? Maybe I could find one you have made a whore of and save her for a better life?

I don’t even know if I want to live in your fucked up world and system. My dreams are of having lived before you invented this shit. This is more evil than the bomb. You all get to make toys of people and play God and you are not qualified. Maybe if you had brought me to this point without running me out of my money, possessions, and retirement you could have convinced me you had my good intentions in mind. At this point I am still in survival and recovery mode.

You see, I recognize the fact that you have controlled my mind and others around me to fuck up my life all these years and keep me from ever having any success in life. The booze, drugs, tobacco were me trying to find relief from the bullshit you induced in my mind. Even smoking now, you aggravate the shit out of me and I find myself going back to them? Is that weakness and wrong on my part or you just having heavy hands on the controls with the wrong energies and forcing me to adapt to you and your schedule?

You assume I give a fuck about your energy exercises, issues, and games you have going on out there. I understand that to you my personal beliefs are shit because they go against the ruling class and moral majority. I understand that when I walk out the door I am at a disadvantage for that too. The name of the game for me is “ I lose”. My beliefs don’t allow for the one on the controls to be as God or a middle man between me and God and they are supposed to be in control of me. I’m still a control freak who knows too much I guess and the only one I am trying to control is me. I lost that when I discovered they were there and I don’t expect to regain it. I lost the right to control my thoughts and the direction of my mind.

I see all these people out there praying to God and Jesus and i doubt they even know you are there. I figure that is one of the reasons I have been in trouble here. Is that part a big secret? Miracles, healings, visions, bringing your beliefs and and prophecies to life?

If I didn’t feel victimized and like I was still being put in my place I wouldn’t be here saying all this, I would be out living and experiencing life.

I figure if there is a God he knows me, sees what I am going through and have been put through and he understands. I don’t pray to him or beg him for anything. If he choose to give me rewards or a better life he will, if not at least i have gained truths and knowledge about the reality of what is going on and why I am where I am today. I don’t bow down to, serve, or submit to any who have or do walk the Earth. I work for others in exchange for a paycheck and I am respectful of others who are respectful of me. That is as close as I get. This is supposed to be a free country where I don’t have to. Where does all that put me in your fucking exercises and games? Let’s leave heritage and beliefs out of it, I am an American citizen who is supposed to have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Do you believe might and numbers make right? I know many of you have a monkey see, monkey do philosophy and go with the flow and crowd. I guess I am meant to go against the grain and follow my own path.

I told you I have studied the history of mankind, the world, beliefs,etc. Most of the religious documents in use today were written in the same general time frame in history. the were times when all these nations and beliefs were warring and competing. Gods were a dime a dozen and the ones who conquered won.

If I won’t take your word on something just because you say it, what makes you think I will take the word of writers from thousands of years ago as fact? Because the bible tells me so for example doesn’t fly with me. there are too many other factors including the writers and time frame in which it was written and what was going on in the world at the time that I take in to consideration. Because you won some war or wars and caused the others to follow your words doesn’t mean you have the right answers for me or for all.

I am respectful of others and their right to believe the way they do. My mom prays at meals for example I wait for it and I am quiet and respectful of it but I am not going to be the one saying the prayer. I’m not going to be converted or changed as a result because I have my own beliefs. Otherwise it isn’t a factor in our relationship.

I’m showing you how religion has been used as a controlling factor throughout history and how it has carried over and is being implemented in even this. It is just another way to control the masses and keep ancient conflicts carrying over in to modern society. I also understand that is why many of you are out there living the good life, being fruitful and multiplying, spreading your seed and not caring about your offspring, etc. while people like me are being kept from having a life or kids. So many of us out here not believing or agreeing with you or athiests and having fucked up, lonely lives. I see said the blind man.

Since I didn’t develop Christian beliefs, I am being thrown in the category of Indian or breed and treated as such. They were conquered, hearded on reservations mostly, and are considered inferior, subhuman even. Who really are the savages?

I know, I am a bad man and get bad energies for sharing my beliefs. All of you out there preaching and spreading the gospel are doing a good thing and getting good energies and feelings.

The truth is I don’t know where i fit in and i don’t feel like part of a group or anything. I just feel like an isolated individual who is cornered and running out of options and no matter what I do it is wrong. I’m a good person trying to have a life and because I am home alone I am caused to suffer for some reason. Then I get pushed to express what I am feeling here.

You motherfuckers aren’t responsible for what you cause including my financial losses and God’s not going to send any cash my way to recover from what you have done to me so I am stuck here. Yes, I’ll delete all this later if that makes you happy and I’ll suffer quietly. You isolated me and now your bored so I suffer for it.

I don’t blame those of you born to Catholicism and Christianity and just living your lives according to what you believe. The bible was written to be that way, especially the new testament and it is meant to be a conquering belief. It has been that way since it was first written. I’m just one foolish enough to come out and say it. That has been the downfall of many since it was written and implemented and at least I have been left alive and surprisingly I haven’t been silenced yet.

I’m watching a program about some past terrorism to better understand a different aspect of them. That doesn’t mean I am wanting to be that. I guess I am in to true history, even of what is happening today. I guess I like to study what is going through their minds and their motivation.

The impact it is having is to scare the shit out of me for some of the things I have blogged in the past. The reality of it and the impact it would have on others is sinking in gain. All I can say is I was in a visionary state, not in my right mind, and it wasn’t really me or how I feel. To be focused on the things I was and to seek the answers I was after, my mind went there. I was crazy and it doesn’t reflect the real me. I am realizing the seriousness of many of you and how it isn’t a game, it’s reality. I also understand why i have been made to suffer. I’ll delete all this later and go away and try never to go in to it ever again.

I never intended to be a terrorist. I’m not an extremist trying to be a part of or incite a holy war. I know there is no good time to do what I have done but I can’t think of a worse time in history than over the past few years for it.

Then again maybe I should leave it just to show you how fucked up these exercises and questing really are. I was just trying to be a normal average person and I am back to that. No one should ever be pushed there like that. If you can’t find beasts or terrorists or enemies you just program and make them. I’m letting it all go, I’m just a man. Tell me, with the control you have how can acts of terror actually happen? How did 9/11 actually happen and why wasn’t it prevented or stopped? My suspicions and guesses about it based on all I have seen scare the shit out of me.

I’ll get my mind back on my own little life and world tomorrow and try to get all this out of my mind, dumb down so to speak. I don’t want to be this or that. I guess the reason I keep getting drawn back is because I do look at things like that and think like that. Do you understand now why I am backing the fuck out and don’t want any part of it anymore. I watch, study, and learn but don’t share my thoughts unless i end up here.

Yes, I’m going to delete and try to go away forever again but I wanted you to see why. I’m not some little local yocal playing your little games and hoping you will give me some kind of little energies. I’m a man who has been thrown in to this world shit way over my head and who understands much as a result. I am not going away because I am beat down in to submission, rather one who is tired of all this shit and just wants to go out and develop some kind of normal life and stay out of the big picture and out of your little local games. They represent small parts of the big picture to me.

I was developed in to that, thrown to the wolves, and know I was expendable.

To the past jobs I’ve lost, this is why I lost them. My mind was kept in this world shit even while i was trying to work and I lost it, couldn’t focus, and couldn’t function normally.